Kenny Rogers

Anthony's students, who are always full of uninvited fashion and beauty advice, recently suggested that he trim me into a wooly rectangle that would surround just his mouth and dangle from his chin. A goatee, I believe, it is called. Ew, I thought. How arrogantly naked that would make me feel, like a healthy pair of well-worn jeans that has been trimmed to gaudy, shameless short shorts. Anyway, I'm pretty sure Anthony isn't taking this advice to heart. Just in case, though, I thought I'd present my case, including a disturbing visual as evidence. Surely he'll consider the fact that I would be nowhere near full strength. In other words, my superpowers would be not just be proportionally diminished, but rather exponentially reduced. I'm not sure the world realizes it works this way, but there is a clear case study in Kenny Rogers. Take a look at the fully-bearded and timeless genius on the left, compared to the plasticky facial sink hole on the right. How did this happen, you ask? Clearly, once he sacrificed the source of his superpowers (his beard, duh) for the sake of the shallow and superficial fashion statement that is the goatee, it all fell apart.

I rest my case.