Dexter Bad Beards

These remarkably similar beards will both have come to the end of their respective runs this evening.

Clearly examples of beards using their superpowers for evil (and entertainment of the masses).

Which beard is your favorite?

Other Superpowered Beards

In no particular order...

Louis C.K.'s Explanation of Why He Hates Smartphones

Mike Doughty, ‘Super Bon Bon’ – Exclusive Video Premiere

Kenny Rogers

Anthony's students, who are always full of uninvited fashion and beauty advice, recently suggested that he trim me into a wooly rectangle that would surround just his mouth and dangle from his chin. A goatee, I believe, it is called. Ew, I thought. How arrogantly naked that would make me feel, like a healthy pair of well-worn jeans that has been trimmed to gaudy, shameless short shorts. Anyway, I'm pretty sure Anthony isn't taking this advice to heart. Just in case, though, I thought I'd present my case, including a disturbing visual as evidence. Surely he'll consider the fact that I would be nowhere near full strength. In other words, my superpowers would be not just be proportionally diminished, but rather exponentially reduced. I'm not sure the world realizes it works this way, but there is a clear case study in Kenny Rogers. Take a look at the fully-bearded and timeless genius on the left, compared to the plasticky facial sink hole on the right. How did this happen, you ask? Clearly, once he sacrificed the source of his superpowers (his beard, duh) for the sake of the shallow and superficial fashion statement that is the goatee, it all fell apart.

I rest my case.

Los Barbudos

So, I want to tell you about my people and about Anthony's people, too, in a way. One of Anthony's greatest challenges as a Spanish teacher is to get his students to understand that, although there are at least 20 countries that speak Spanish, Spain, Mexico, Chile, Peru and Cuba, for example, are all very different even though they speak the same language. In particular, Spain and Mexico have a long and mostly historically non-congenial relationship. The native people to Mexico, as you likely already know, were not treated very well upon the arrival of the Spanish. With Columbus Day coming up here pretty soon it seems like a good time to explain the Spanish phrase "barbudos" and also why Mexicans and other Spanish speakers of the Americas might have mixed emotions about this holiday.

Kurt Vonnegut described the historical moment pretty well in "Breakfast of Champions:"

"1492. As children we were taught to memorize this year with pride and joy as the year people began living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America. Actually, people had been living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America for hundreds of years before that. 1492 was simply the year sea pirates began to rob, cheat, and kill them."

This is where the "barbudo" connection comes in. You see, native people of the Americas are not known for growing beards (or much facial hair at all). There is some debate about whether this is merely a stereotype, but one thing we know for sure: the Spanish "sea pirates" that came to "rob, cheat, and kill [the locals]" were quite beardy. The word for beard in Spanish is "barba" and a bearded person is called "barbudo." To this day there are Spanish speakers in the Americas that refer to Spaniards as "barbudos..." and not in a, you know, warm and fuzzy kind of way.

Anthony, whose heritage goes back to Galicians from the northwest coast of Spain, is, therefore, "barbudo" in both historical and physiological ways. Many conquistadors of the Americas in the early 16th Century were from this specific region of Spain. Take for example, Nuño Guzmán, Galician and ruler during this time in Mexico of what would later become the region around Jalisco, but at the time was called Nueva Galicia. It is said of Guzmán:

"After the conquest of Nueva Galicia he became Govenor of that province in 1531. Eventually he was jailed in Mexico City for for his cruelty to Indians then he was recalled to Spain where he spent the rest of his life under house arrest."

Consider this representation of him:

Notice who's wearing beards and who's losing (literally) their head!

Now you know. Me, I'm just a beard.

Heavy Beards

Ran into a lot of fellow beards at the hipster hangout, The Heavy Anchor. Anthony has officially given up his fight to not be identified as a hipster. The beards came in many shapes and sizes. Can't really relate to the ginormous, scraggly ones, but appreciate the ambition and carefree lifestyle they enjoy. Another was more cultivated, combined with some nice, round-rimmed wire glasses. It lacked the distinction though that Anthony and I enjoy (mostly due to my gray bits). Don't worry if you are beardless. The place seemed quite welcoming to all kinds, has a great beer selection, friendly folk and a nook with retro couches for polite, more relaxed conversations. A music venue in the back looks unique as well, with ample old-school theater seating, which hosts movie nights, too. Bathrooms are conveniently located behind the stage (well, convenient because even if you don't want to stay for a show you get sneak peeks every time you have to pee).

This is my kind of beard (doesn't hurt that it has this amazingly alluring voice backing it up!):





Another favorite beard.Yeah, it's sloppy, but goes well with its owner's amazing talent!





Conclusion: I am clearly not the only beard with superpowers!